Picture 2 150x150 Neologism Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternative
meanings for common words.

The winners  are:

1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how  much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to  give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while  drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you  absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. (my favourite!!)
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on  an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified  bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n.): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The  Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take  any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new  definition.

Here are this year’s winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding  stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a  house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism  spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n.): The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who  doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee  intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis  (n.): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n.): A  degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all  these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth  explodes and it’s like,
a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler  effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at  three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re  eating.

Poem – ‘Orion’s Alphabet’

Untitled 11 Poem   Orions Alphabet

A semi acrostic, free form poem or sorts as featured on Sparkapolooza
Orion’s Alphabet. 

A is for Apple.
B is for Bear.
C is for never ending Care.

D is for Dog.
E is for Eggs.
F is for Fabulously chubby legs.

Getting up is a struggle,
Hardly slept all.
I pick you up,
Jiggly and small.

Knew I would
Love you, but
Might find it tough
Negotiating nappies and all that
Other stuff.

P is for Poo.
Q is for Quiet
R is for Really needing to diet.

S is for Stomach.
That will never be slim
U is Understanding
Nothing matters but him.

Well I’m struggling to finish
Find an eXit that’s big.
How about: You are
the zag to my Zig.

PLAYTIME – 21 April – Kings Cross

playtime PLAYTIME   21 April   Kings Cross10 short plays in 2 hours for just $10

Tapas theatre returns to World Bar Club Room!

Actors Anonymous has facilitated a collaboration of some of Australia’s finest theatrical talent to  produce a brand new format of theatre in Sydney. A selection (like tapas) of short plays, pre-rehearsed with directors, then read by trained actors to an audience in the fully licensed World Bar Club Room.

PLAYTIME 1 opened the 2010 season in March to a packed house and two hours of fun and my play SushiWushiWoo was performed.

PLAYTIME 2: 7.30pm-10pm Wednesday 21st April:

Producers: Stephen Carnell, Elizabeth Ban & Faith de Savigne.
Directors: Stephen Carnell, David Farland, Ron Hadley, Susie Hardgrave, Nir Shelter & Amelia Tranter.
MC: Valentino Arico,
Tech: Lauchlan Barns,

Plays include:

  • AFTERNOON TEA WITH SEX & SCONES by Dona Parise, directed by Nir Shelter, Cast: Fleur Beaupert, Mollie King, + TBA,
  • JANIE HAS A VISITOR by Elizabeth Ban, directed by Nir Shelter, Cast: Fleur Beaupert, Mollie King,
  • STUCK IN A TWIST by Con Nats, directed by Susie Hardgrave, Cast: Lynden Jones,
  • BOMB DISPOSAL by Kate Toon, directed by Amelia Tranter, Cast: Deborah Bradshaw, Matt Butcher, Matt Thomson,
  • PLASTIC by Robert Shaffron, directed by Stephen Carnell, Cast: Valentino Arico, Steven Menteith,
  • TEA FOR TERROR by Robert Luxford, directed by Ron Hadley, Cast: Kim Knuckey, Cindi Knapton, Colleen Henry,
  • LOVE & LIGHT by Jerome Parisse, directed by David Farland, Cast: Deborah Bradshaw, Lynden Jones, Kate Buchanan,
  • STAFF DEVELOPMENT by Faith de Savigne, directed by David Farland, Cast: Kim Knuckey, Kate Buchanan, Aaron nilan, Laura Holmes,
  • WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW by Christine Ahearn, directed by David Farland, Cast: Valentino arico, Deborah Bradshaw, Aaron Nilan.

These plays run the gamut from drama to comedy to farce and range in length from 10-15 minutes.

Join us for a night that includes; marauding English tourists, a blind date, strange visitors, a family make-over, male model chat, tea addicts, lesbian sex, wacky psychics and a cleaning lady with a swipe card that controls the end of the world!

VENUE: The World Bar Club Room, 24 Bayswater Road, Kings Cross, Sydney.

TIME: 7.30pm-10pm Wednesday 21st April 2010.


Bomb Disposal – Available for download

bombdis1 150x150 Bomb Disposal   Available for downloadBomb Disposal is now available for download from the Production Scripts Website.

This ten-minute black comedy is a worm turning tale. Pat is married to the uncompromising arse pain Vic, but when they meet at true blue Aussie, Bazza, in a Sydney pub, Pat begins to wonder if there might be something more to life..

The play has been performed several times, made it to the finals of Short and Sweet Sydney and was nominated for Best Comedy at Short and Sweet Melbourne. It’s also been made into a short film.

I’ll be adding the rest of my more polished plays to the Production Scripts website soon.

Sushiwushiwoo – Available for download

One of my most popular plays SushiWushiWoo is now available for download from the Production Scripts Website.

Picture 2 300x217 150x150 Sushiwushiwoo   Available for downloadThis ten-minute black comedy is a fast-paced, (hopefully) witty interaction between Claire and Helen as they debate the pros and cons of being married versus being single.

The play has been performed five times and has had several other readings, hopefully now that it’s downloable it might achieve more!

I’ll be adding the rest of my more polished plays to the Production Scripts website soon.

Poem – Distance

New poem posted on Sparkapolooza:

Untitled 1 Poem   Distance


Distance lends enchantment, or so the poets say.
But I just feel quite miserable, when you are far away.

I miss seeing you plod through, the house in just your pants.
There’s no one to kill spiders or water all the plants.

I don’t do as much washing; the bathroom is obscene.
When you’re not here to boss me, I can’t be arsed to clean.

The bed seems so much bigger with the duvet all for me
I start to feel quite bored when there’s nothing on TV.

Since you did all the cooking I’m becoming a bit slimmer.
Eating only crisps or cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

My toothbrush stands up stoic, in the holder, all alone.
The dog spends his time sleeping, no interest in his bone.

I’m not a fan of distance, I really want you back.
‘Cos when you’re not here with me, my life’s all out of whack.

So next time that you bugger off; if it’s all right by you.
Please make it only one week or possibly two.

As featured on Sparkapolooza.

Writer of things